Why can't you tell that I'm desperate? Can't you tell I'm just here for the thrill, I ask myself in my head. I'm unsure what she sees in me. Does she think I'm the one? Does she think I love her? I don't love her, but she's here, and she's consenting to emotional investments and sexual positions. Still I can't help but feel as if I'm doing something wrong. I never offered her anything more, but I can see it in her eyes when we have sex, I can feel it by how tight she holds me. She's in love, and I'm not.
"I have to get going, gotta be at work soon," I start to make my way out of her bed.
"You coming back this evening," she asks, longing in her voice.
"I don't know, we already hooked up a few times this month."
"You should still come back, maybe dinner. My cat likes you," it's not a euphemism, her cat loves me.
"Are you sure? I wasn't really looking for anything long term or emotional."
"Sex is always emotional, and it doesn't have to be long term. That's up to you."
"Alright, I'll see," I pull my hoodie on and make my way towards the front door.
"Have a good day at work bae," she calls out.
I pretend I don't hear it and quickly shuffle down the apartment stairwell. I don't know how to do this. I can't keep wasting her time if she's looking for love, because I'm not. I'll just hurt her. Can't she see it in my smile, in my eyes. I'm not there, I'm not committed to this relationship. I'm not even committed to the sex anymore. What the hell should I do? Do I ghost her? Pretend she never existed? What if that hurts her more? I don't know, I don't know how to say it without hurting her.
